muhasabah diri...

kadang², saya berasa berminat utk menjadi seorang yg lengkap, sempurna tanpa kelemahan, namun, apakan daya...

semasa saya sedang leka bergembira, ada manusia yg sedang memperjuangkan sesuatu yg mereka percaya...

ketika saya sedang alpa dalam kesenangan, ada manusia lain yg sedang menikmati hasil daripada usaha mereka...

saya sentiasa berharap saya semakin maju, semakin saya rasa diri saya maju, semakin ramai manusia yg saya nampak berada jauh di hadapan saya...

cita² ialah sebuah angan² bersama tindakan yg menjurus ke arah penghasilan cita-cita tersebut. tanpa tindakan, cita² hanyalah sebuah angan². hal ini bermakna, saya hanya berangan² selama 18 tahun 6 bulan 20 hari saya hidup di muka bumi ALLAH S.W.T ini...

selama saya mencarut² dalam blog saya, ada org lain sedang membincangkan tentang signifikasi hidup yg lebih mendalam, kepincangan dalam masyarakat, dll... (cth: Faisal Tehrani)

bagaimanakah utk menjadi seorg yg signifikan dalam kehidupan setiap insan? persoalan yg lebih penting, apakah objektif dan matlamat sebenar kepada niat tersebut?

yg benar,
[tidak signifikan]

Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici - By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe

I Will Go Sailing No More

playing the music below will help in understanding the post below

For the past few days, i've been downloading various soundtracks from disney movies. the songs brought back old memories from when i was just a lil' boy whose only source of music is from movies. back during my younger days, i always listen to songs from movies such as The Lion King, Toy Story, Mulan, Goofy The Movie and etcs. i grew up admiring the courage of Simba, the confidence of Buzz Lightyear, and lots of other disney characters. That is when i thought i am someone who is destined for greatness and will never do any mistakes, who will change the course of the world politics, whose name will be always remembered by the people... but that all was like 10 years ago, when i was an ambitious and enthusiast young boy... as i grow older, i slowly let go of that beautiful dreams of mine, one by one, until today, i've became sumone completely different from what i really hoped from the start...

Out among the stars I sail,
Way beyond the moon.
In my silver ship I sail,
A dream that ended too soon.
Now I know exactly who I am
And what I'm here for.
And I will go sailing no more.

All the things I thought I'd be,
All the brave things I've done.
Vanish like a snowflake
With the rising of the sun.
Never more to sail my ship
Where no man has gone before.
And I will go sailing no more.

No, it can't be true!
I could fly if I wanted to!
Like a bird in the sky,
If I believed I could fly,
Well, I'd fly!...
Clearly I will go sailing no more...


[I will go sailing no more; Randy Newman]

disappointed? me too.. ultraman~!

after a few days of thoughts, finally i managed to tell her, as expected, she is disappointed, she thought (and hoped) that it was only one of my usual joke, but it wasn't, it was real...

next, him...

from
(XdeadX)


That's okay!
It's the terror of knowing,
What this world is about,
Watching some good friends,
Scream "Let me out!"
Pray tomorrow takes me higher,
Pressure on people,
People on streets...
(Under Pressure;My Chemical Romance and The Used; Originally by David Bowie and Queen)

i am under pressure...
tensed up...
suddenly, my so called bright future dimmed...
the waterfall stopped falling...
the sky is getting dark...
the bright sun only shines in the past...
under pressure~!


btw, i found this interesting clip, plz do spend your time listening to the lyrics, plz do, i insist...

Cermin diriku dan dirimu

Cita-cita ialah sebuah angan-angan bersama tindakan yg menjurus ke arah penghasilan cita-cita tersebut. Tanpa tindakan, cita-cita hanyalah sebuah angan-angan, dan akan kekal begitu. Hal ini bermakna, saya hanya berangan-angan selama beberapa puluh ribu hari saya hidup di muka bumi ini...apakah definisi kejayaan yg signifikan dalam kehidupan insan? persoalan yg lebih menarik, adakah pandangan setiap insan terhadap kejayaan itu sama tidak berbeda? Adakah watak A dikira sebagai berjaya jika dia berjaya mendapat apa yang diimpikan orang lain untuk dia, walaupun itu bukan impian dia?

road to be taken~

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
[Road not taken; Robert Frost]

i took one less traveled by,
with dreams the road be traveled fast,
upon a dead end i stumbled, thinking;
should i somehow keep going beyond?
should i let out a sigh and turn around?
for i have wasted many time and energy,
upon the dead end route.
pondering traveler, i continued to be...
[Road to be taken; Amanitium]

the aesthetics part comparison is obvious, so wtf? i dun care, as long as it tells exactly what i wanted it to tell... i'm totally f*cked up~

kerna sebatang LM merah

di sebuah institusi pembelajaran di penghujung tanah besar asia pada februari tahun 2003, aku sedang berada di tingkat paling atas sebuah asrama penginapan lelaki bersama seorang rakan. kami sedang berbual sambil menarik dan menghembus nafas. tiba-tiba terdapat sejalur cahaya yang bersumber daripada tingkat bawah menarik perhatian kami. rupa-rupanya, perhatian kami telah ditarik oleh lampu suluh yang dipegang oleh seorang penjaga asrama merangkap guru aku. lalu dia menjerit,"Hoi, kamu berdua, turun sekarang!" dengan nada yg amat marah. "Turun sekarang atau saya naik atas," dia memberikan dua pilihan yang mana kedua-dua pilihan itu aku dapati hanya akan membawa kepada satu konklusi yang sama. rakanku terus berlari sebelum sempat aku bertanyakan tindakan yang seterusnya. aku tergamam. penjaga asrama sedang menaiki tangga, jeritan-jeritannya semakin lama ku rasakan semakin dekat...

majuscop ol' boys

the last role call

501
habelΦnjangΦaloqueuksΦafiqΦpisunkfaizulΦmus'abΦaizat_monikmalΦhasby

502sleinΦatherΦpojie
xucqeeΦewanΦepul
ebalΦnapieΦpaday
syedΦhafizul

503
daengΦfaezΦiz
hafiz_misranΦanepΦali umar
ijatΦpuyohΦejalΦnaser

504
pa'anΦpak_sheikhΦmamat
faisoolΦbobΦalerm
arol_shyΦrohaidiΦbotakdin_azamΦsifueΦamir

505
arol_tonΦfairusΦfaiz
syafiqΦaimΦamanΦhaziq
ayendΦnaimΦmuz
marleyΦggΦhazimΦmulong

hellacious heaven or heavenly hell?

can you imagine how boring it is for a frog to be trapped in a well for about three months? i can. in fact, i am experiencing something even worse, trapped in my very own house, living with this being called 'parent' ordering you what to do with your life, forcing you to not to socialise. "stay in your cage, don't do anything, it's not good to get out of your cage, i don't want you to be influenced by nothing, you might even catch cold. yada yada yada yada" ***k! i hate it! verily...and i've only just been through the holiday for 2 weeks, another fuckin ice cold 2 months and a half left for them continue to scrutinize me. it was just only 15% of the 2184 hours, and i almost died out of an extravagant boredom.

i hate being ordered to do things. i hate being told to sit stay (like a dog) at home every night. it's not like i'm going clubbin, taking drugs, going to rape sumbody, going to steal or rob or anything if i go out. i'm just going for a couple of drinks with my friends. and it's not like i'm going to drink alcohols, just a couple of teh tarik or teh 'o' ais or milo ais would be enough, and ameer ali is so very near, it's just a 2 minutes drive from my home. so WhyTF am i not allowed to leave this depressing cage for just about an hour to relieve my depressed mind. why? afraid of reputation with neighbours? fuck them! who cares. their children played football in front of our house and smashed those number sign. they don't even care to come apologize. so WTF? what? what else? it's not good to go out at night? why? why was it not good? because it's not good to go out at night? it's not good to go out at night because it's not good to go out at night? bullshit. just pure bullshit. why? why? is it because it shows that i'm going out only for the sake of entertainment (which appeared to be absent at home), and that i don't like staying home? that is so fuckin true, can you imagine sitting alone thinking of how to spend these time alone? i'm not doing anything wrong here, so why? tell me why... this is the only time when i'm matured enough to take care of myself, and not having too many responsibilities like the grown-ups. i don't want to waste these magnificent time staying home thinking of what the fuck am i gonna do now to fill this empty hole. i dun wanna be a sorry ass when i'm all grown up.

i know it's kinda pathetic to just write all these stuffs here. "why don't you tell her instead" you said? i tried, and being the being she always is, she doesn't show any significant changes, except becoming more and more and more louder in her war against my so called night-out terrorism.

but this is the thing, 18 years ago, she carried me around for a whole 9 months and ten days. i've to really respect her for that. so no matter how very right i am and no matter how very wrong she is. i've to stay home, being a caged pet. wooff woofff!

from,
[barkingdogseldomsbite]

tales of interest

i had an encounter with an unknown species of reptile... twas a friday nite, 2am, kinda spooky the way the creature's eye shines.



my sony ericsson t100 is getting older, it needs to be rested. it had keep me company for about 3 magnificient years and 7 months. rest in peace sony ericsson t100. so, from now on~ i can only activate either my celc or my maxis number at one time.


my pc has only 27 videoclips rite now, starting to collect precious music back from scratch.


i borrowed my gal's poppa bear... heh!

V

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

(In simpler words)
Behold! Before you is a humble performer, cast, against his will, by fate, to the roles of both victim and villain. The face you see now is not just some mere facade of pointless theatrics. It is a remnant of the people's voice, which has since gone and disappeared. However, this past annoyance stands courageously reborn and has sworn to conquer the evil and corrupt, who promote greed and the violent suppression of free will. The only way to do this is with a war of retribution. It will not be a fruitless revenge, for the importance and self-evidence of this quest shall exonerate the open-minded and righteous. But in truth, this thick soup of words is becoming too excessive. So, let me simply finish by saying that it's my very good honor to meet you, and you may call me V.

Beneath this mask there is more than mere flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea and ideas are bulletproof.

Evey: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of "what", and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey: Well I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation, I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
Evey: Oh...right.

amanitium: he is so mysteriously cool, i wanna be like him when i grow up, killing, destroying and all, in the name of justice. a for aman, urm, c for cho. i'll think of a name later.

twisted fate

GURU MAUT KERETA JATUH LUBANG

ALOR STAR: Hasrat seorang guru sebuah sekolah menengah di Pulau Pinang untuk menimang cahaya mata keempatnya, Mei depan, tidak kesampaian apabila dia terbunuh dalam kemalangan ngeri di Kilometer 11, Jalan Tanjung Musang, Langgar, dekat sini, awal pagi semalam. Abdul Jalil Ismail, 35, terbunuh selepas kereta Ford dipandunya terlanggar lubang saluran paip yang pecah di tempat kejadian menyebabkan keretanya terbabas dan terhumban ke dalam sawah...

Luahan hati balu guru nahas jalan raya

SAYA terpanggil untuk meluahkan perasaan atas kejadian yang menimpa Allahyarham suami saya, iaitu guru yang terkorban dalam kemalangan jalan raya pada 21 Mac 2006. Tulisan saya ini bukanlah bermaksud saya menentang takdir Ilahi, tetapi hanya ingin membawa masyarakat melihat apa sebenarnya berlaku di sebalik tragedi itu.
Allahyarham suami saya adalah guru yang begitu komited dengan tugasnya. Demi menyahut seruan Menteri Pendidikan pada ketika itu, Datuk Seri Najib Tun Abdul Razak agar guru melanjutkan pelajaran untuk meningkatkan profesion perguruan, maka suami dan saya bersama-sama telah menyambung pelajaran peringkat ijazah dengan belajar sepenuh masa di universiti.
Kami hanya menjenguk anak-anak yang terpaksa ditinggalkan di rumah saudara pada hujung minggu.
Pulang sahaja ke Kedah, saya mendapat tawaran mengajar di sekolah yang berhampiran dengan tempat tinggal, tetapi Allahyarham suami saya kurang bernasib baik kerana perlu mengajar di Pulau Pinang.
Walaupun berat hati meninggalkan keluarga, beliau sanggup mengajar di sana. Namun, memandangkan beliau mempunyai tanggungjawab menjaga ayah dan ibu yang uzur serta anak-anak saudara yatim di kampung, maka tanggungjawab yang banyak itu memaksa beliau memohon untuk ditukarkan ke sekolah berdekatan.
Berikutan itu, suami saya telah membuat rayuan lebih daripada lima kali di Putrajaya, tetapi Allahyarham merasakan dirinya seolah-olah dipermainkan apabila pegawai di sana mengatakan sekejap ada jawatan kosong, sekejap tiada.
Suami saya telah berulang-alik banyak kali dari Kedah ke Putrajaya bagi mengesahkan kenyataan pegawai terbabit. Jika ada sedikit belas ihsan dan timbang rasa untuk menukarkan beliau mungkin kejadian yang menimpanya dapat dielakkan.
Saya juga ingin meluahkan rasa terkilan berikutan lubang saluran paip pecah yang menjadi punca kemalangan tersebut. Saya difahamkan sebelum kemalangan itu berlaku, aduan telah dibuat beberapa kali oleh penduduk di kawasan tersebut dan saluran paip itu telah dibaiki.
Namun begitu, kerja-kerja pembaikan yang dijalankan secara sambil lewa telah menyebabkan saluran paip tersebut pecah semula. Apa yang menyedihkan saya ialah semasa jenazah suami saya dibawa pulang melalui jalan tersebut untuk dikebumikan, pihak tertentu segera membaiki saluran paip dan menurap jalan tersebut kerana bimbang dipersalahkan oleh masyarakat.
Diharap apa yang saya luahkan ini akan diambil perhatian oleh semua pihak agar ia tidak dialami oleh anda sendiri atau orang yang anda sayangi.

- ISTERI TERKILAN,
Alor Star, Kedah.

the first part of the article is taken from the 22nd of march edition of berita harian, the second one is taken from today's (4th of april) copy of utusan malaysia. this is a real life story, 'isteri terkilan' in the article is my maklang.

lost

pc saya rosak sebelum ini,
semalam ade org repair pc ini,
kemudian die takleh nak wat ape kecuali format semula,
kemudian apabila saya buka pc ini semula,
semua data sudah hilang,
SEMUA!
all the freakin datas are gone,
the jpegs, mp3s, mpegs...
my lil' happiness at home are getting extremely smaller,
approaching zero,
n what makes me think that i'm gonna survive 3 months here?
without the mp3s, jpegs, mpegs...
argh!

-no music no life-